A couple weeks ago was the year mark of my dad's death. For a couple weeks leading up to that day I was having a really difficult time. I just could not stop thinking about him and what he must have been going through. I kept reliving the day he died. I was almost getting used to him not being at family get togethers. And then it became so surreal again. I almost felt like my world got flipped upside down again. The day before, I actually felt pretty good. I looked out the window as the sun was rising and thought about how the sun rises every day. Even after the darkest time of night, the sun always shines again. The next day I woke up and felt very down again. I wanted to go on a bike ride but it was really cold. Tyler and I had a baptism to go to that morning. That was good, it got my mind off my dad for a little bit. Then we picked my mom up and headed to Todd and Heather's so we could all spend the day together as a family. We went to a park and walked around. It was a pretty nice day. It was very refreshing to be outside for an extended period of time, and to be with my family. The kids had a blast. There was a playground that we stopped at for a while. Claire loved it. They all loved it. After a while we went back to Todd and Heather's for dinner. We made a big breakfast. I'm so grateful for my sister who suggested we tell funny/happy stories about my dad. It was so nice to remember those things and laugh. After dinner we spent more time at their house, and again it was so fun to watch all the kids play together. I loved it. We did a balloon release like we did at his funeral. We wrote notes on the balloons and sent them up to my dad.
There have been a few times over the past year that I have thought of good memories of my dad. But most of the last year has been trying to make sense of things, feeling very confused, sad, mad and all kinds of negative feelings. I feel like I may be getting to the point, though, where I'm done feeling those things. Well, I'll feel those things throughout the rest of my life I'm sure. But I guess I just feel like I'm ready to remember the good things again. Whenever I would try to think of good memories before I couldn't do it. Or if I did, I then felt very sad because I missed him so much. I want to focus on the life my dad lived, not the way he died. Just as we don't want our lives to be defined by our sins or faults, I don't want my dad to be defined by how he died. Everyone has faults, but those who truly love us know those faults and love us anyway. My dad made a choice I don't fully understand. But I still love him, and it doesn't take away all the things I learned from him, all the good memories.
My father in law shared something insightful with me that has also helped me to want to focus on the positive. Alma was talking to his son Corianton after Corianton had committed some serious sins. He said, "And now, my son, I desire that ye should let these things atrouble you no more, and only let your sins trouble you, with that trouble which shall bring you down unto repentance." (Alma 42:29). When we sin we should feel guilt and unease, but only so much that it brings us to repentance. Once we have repented, we can let go of that guilt, those troublesome feelings. We shouldn't dwell on them and beat ourselves up. He told me this because he thought I could relate that to grieving for my dad. When you have any kind of loss, grieve. Just as guilt has a purpose, so does grief. It eventually helps us heal. The process is painful to say the least. But if we let them, trials of any sort can make us better people. I have grieved for my dad. I have felt like I am stuck while everyone else moves forward. I have felt like I am trying desperately to survive, barely succeeding. And that is part of the grieving process. There comes a time when we need to move forward. I don't like the term move on, at least not in this case. I feel like that means I'm moving on with my life and leaving my dad behind. That is not what I want. I want to move forward with my life, yes. But I still want my dad to be a part of it. And I know my dad wouldn't want me or anyone he loves to be stuck and have their lives controlled by grief. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to succeed. So does my Heavenly Father. Both my dad and my Heavenly Father have blessed me in countless ways. The best I can do is move forward and let them guide me to do the things I should.
The sun will shine again. Life is made up of darkness and light. I'm going to have dark days again. But I can hold onto the fact that I can come out of it. I can move forward.
